How Did I Get Here?

This has been on my mind the last few days. I got this question which made me question my whole identity.

During the job interview I was asked "How did you find this interest, does any of your friends or family members work with this?". My interviewer asked this when we talked about my passion for natural science and biomedicine. Because, you know, a lot of people become inspired by people they know. "Oh, I have an aunt working at a lab. My uncle is a doctor", etc. My interviewer asked if I wanted to become a doctor, not sure why she asked that but I'll take that on a positive note. Anyway...

That question on how I found the interest for natural science is something I've never thought myself. No one in my surrounding, not any relative, no old class mate, friend or anyone or anything made me have this interest. I was interested in natural science since elementary. I knew I was going to pursue science and even in high school that was obvious. I studied natural science with specialization in biomedicine and then it was just natural to continue at university with that. No one influenced me.

And no one influenced me with anything else in life. My emo period was influenced by no one. My interest, love and passion for Slipknot and metal in general was influenced by no one. My creative side was born with me: playing instruments and doing art.

Are these genes? Doesn't seem like it was inherited by anyone because no one seem to be like me. Being emo, creative, weird...

Who am I? And why did I make the choices I did? 

I'm certain I'm not alone thinking like this. There's plenty of people out there whose family and friends seem normal but you're not. Must've been some kind of mutation with you, right? No, I'm serious. I come from an Asian background. Where the hell went wrong with me, haha? I'm the weirdo in the family. I'm the rebel, I'm the different one. My bros seem very normal compared to me. Or maybe they feel unusual too, but it doesn't show.

But I really wonder where the creativity of mine came from. We don't have any artists in our family. My little brother have some creative tendencies though and my older brother is this smart ass, studying computer engineering of some sort.

There's been studies that the oldest sibling has these tendencies and the younger one being the more carefree and creative. But what about me? I was the youngest child for three years until my little brother arrived. I'm in between. I surely feel like I have tendencies of both being creative, ambitious in a professional field + taking responsibilities. I study natural science and do art. Wtf man. Wtf. I'm also diplomatic and often see both sides of... Everything. Hell, I can even see the blue/black and white/gold side of the dress, I can easily switch between the two.

I'm also born between two Zodiac signs. Does that have anything to do with my double sided personality? Being the beautiful, artistic, grounded Taurus and on the other hand being this restless, impatient, all or nothing, carefree, bold Aries. In numerology I'm number 2. I mean, come on!!! Do I have to be the number two in everything?!!

I'm also between an introvert and extrovert, an ambivert? Nah, I think a better description is "outgoing introvert". Here's some facts that I really relate to:
1. http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/10-things-you-need-to-know-before-dating-the-outgoing-introvert
2. http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/8-signs-you-may-be-an-outgoing-introvert

Numerology: 2
Zodiac: Between two signs. Being half Taurus, which is the 2nd sign.
Family: Being the second (middle) child.
Personality: Between intro- and extrovert!

I don't know man. Idk. This coffee is frying my brain and I feel the after effects kicking in. I'm getting damn tired.

FYFAN SL, put a stick up your bum!

I need to go on a rant spree in this text.

I just feel like this new system of SL is so stupid. People pay too much for a monthly ticket, it's about 750 kr for that and they're going to raise it to close to 1000 kr, ca. 900 kr. A freaking paper of Gustav Vasa every month to get from point A to point B in Stockholm! What if your travel distance between your home and work is, let's say, two stations? I know people with that short distance, are they going to pay that money for that short travel time?? No wonder people "plankar"!

Where does the money go, huh? We pay so much already, we're actually one of the most expensive cities in the world when it comes to the cost of a freaking ticket! This stupid money probably goes to hire all these inspectors to walk around the city and inspect us all, the more money the more inspectors. Yeaaaah, yeah, I know, the money actually goes into maintaining the whole rail system, trains and other services, or that's what they tell us. Well, good for freaking you, if you could actually give us all good quality for the system and services that we payed for that'd be great!

I use the subway and I was stuck for fucking 20 mins at one station because of some stupid "train issue" further down the road. Effing 20 minutes! If I was going somewhere important I'd be fucked! I don't believe it was some train issue, I believe some bad ass "plankare" got beaten down by a security guard for "plankning" which he/she decided to fight against.

Bitch, fucking please. I guess I could pay the right price for my ticket IF I GOT THE FUCKING QUALITY FOR IT!!! I don't want any fucking 20 mins stops! I don't want to be stuck and wait every fucking year during the winter when SL makes the same fucking mistake every year and never learns how to deal with a little snow! You know the snow is coming, you've lived here for, oh I don't know (!) a long time enough to understand that snow WILL fall! The subway has existed for over 50 years, it's fucking time to use the money and invest in a system that works! How the hell does Japan make it work? Germany? Or any other country? Why not just get some inspiration from them instead of robbing our fucking money to hire inspectors to bust the asses off of people that don't live in Hammarby Sjöstad, Danderyd or Stureplan with tons of money to spit out 1000 kr every month to this shit. Oh, I'm sorry, they probably don't even use public transport, because they are rich enough to drive a fancy car they want to show off every meter. I don't know, even if you don't want to pay 900 but have to, you'll indirectly support the shit you don't want to support.

A whole Gustav Vasa piece of paper in order to get in to town... How ridiculous. And you don't even go there every day!

When I lived in Jkpg I payed 420 every month, 420! You know how much a "fritidskort" costs now? It's a new thing that came out recently. You can, with this card, roam around the city, and even further, 24/7 for 30 days. You know how much? 1.5.0. 150 fucking kr. Let that sink in.

Sure, they don't have trains IN the city, only buses, and there's not much to maintain, so I understand how it can be so cheap. But seriously, the time I've lived there I had minimal issues with them, even during the winter. I was spiteful when I got posts on Facebook of my friends having troubles with SL during the winter. "Thank God I'm not in that shit hole". Now I'm jelly of JLT.

OnePlus One - Phone Talk/Love

So I was able to sell my old baby, my XPERIA SP to a man that apparently was going to perform at IEGS! So that was nice, he was a nice person.. who also bought my phone + accessories for my full price.

Today was the first time in a long time that I felt okay, fairly "happy" with life. I mean, I got my phone sold, got some cash back, fixed some papers and tonight I'm meeting up with an old friend from afar. Oh, side note, during Sunday night (22/3) I went to see Chappie in the movies! With Die Antwoord and they're the only reason why I wanted to see that movie because I love Die Antwoord.

Lulz, the reason why I'm writing this is because I want to talk about my new phone, my OnePlus One (OPO). First of all, I am so glad I bought this "back up" case which I bought spontaneously when I realized I had to wait for too long for my screen protector and other cases to arrive. I'm very happy with this flip case even though I've always been against flip cases because they look so impractical, like you have to open a big, fat book in order to get to your phone. Blurgh, anyway, I still think a normal back case is better but I care too much for this phone that I can't afford a single scratch on it so I had to get a more protective case and that's how this flip case came into the picture. It's a blue/turquoise  MOFI case with a steel flip cover, it's really nice and I bought it in Sweden so it took one shipping day, it came so fast and yeah, I'm very satisfied.

On to the actual phone... I am in love. The size of the screen is 5.5 inches, so that plus all the other space makes it a pretty damn big phone. I've used it and I mean... It doesn't matter, you get used to the size but there are moments where you are very conscious of the size, like when I talk on it or putting it in my pocket. My hands are pretty small and my pockets are also small so it happens that I have to actually hold the phone like it's a bigger wallet, which is kind of annoying. But other than that I really like it.

It runs on CyanogenMod (at the moment ;)) and I love all this customization that you can fiddle around with. You can change almost everything to the way you want it. The CPU (processor) makes everything run so fast, I really noticed the speed whenever I wanna download/uninstall an app, everything is done within seconds. I'm on my OPO all the time!!! Not because I do anything special on it but because it's so freaking beautiful to look at. I have set my own wallpaper, icon and themes and it's just soooo beautiful.

So that's my home screen and as you can see by the bottom of the screen are these buttons. I have six, SIX different buttons and I customized them all by adding and rearranging them as I like it. The OPO also has "hard ware" buttons/keys off screen but they are limited to the standard "three" buttons (back, home, menu/whatever). 

Another thing I totally love with the software, Cyanogen, is the music. You can adjust whatever you like to hear, equalizer. I put more bass on the settings and my headphones just busted that bass into my ears I have my own nightclub right in my headphones. I'm listening to music through my OPO because of this. Otherwise I have iTunes on my computer and I listen through my PC but it sounds really flat. 

Another thing I really like with the OPO is the LED notification. It's basically just a blinking dot next to the front camera. Perfect location. I've had "the blinking dot" on my Xperia Neo but it was located on the side of the phone, after that my Xperia SP had this HUGE LED notification, its transparent bar. That phone would be perfect for whoever that sucks at responding quickly to messages since the whole freaking phone would blink. That's a bot too hardcore for me because I am a master at replying fairly quickly.... Because I'm glued to my phone. So going back to the simple dot LED Not. is pretty good for me. It doesn't scream in my face that someone contacted me but it also doesn't hide and let me miss stuff.

So yeah, I've had my phone for a few days now and I am generally very happy with it so far. 

......

I'm not gonna say anything... Just gonna leave this master piece here.

HUGE UPDATE: the past weeks since I moved back!

The past weeks have been a blur now that I look back. I haven't done any proper updates since the INNA concert, that was also when I recently moved back home.

Why did I move back home? Honestly, there's so many factors, personal and private once that I can't tell. Let's just shortly describe it that I was freaking traumatized. A lot of things happened and I don't really want to go back there. I am way more healthy now and Jkpg is probably going to be put as an end of a chapter of my life. 

ART

As noted in the previous post I've started to draw. I haven't really talked about how it all started, except I do that on my Tumblr: Creepyism1. In the beginning I experimented with scribbles and watercolor, but especially scribbles. I drew on an A4 sketchbook which was way too big and the art just came out really ugly in my opinion. It also felt like I was wasting paper, especially on such a beautiful sketchbook (which I bought in the Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam). So I realized I sucked and tried doing any random scribble on note sized paper. The first drawing I did was on Walter White from Breaking Bad. 

Keep in mind that I've never had any lessons or practiced scribbling or drawing at all. I did this one really quick and it came out so nice. Before doing this piece I liked drawing things right from my imagination but I obviously didn't have the skills to draw that well so I tried doing this "reality" drawing, which meant I had a picture and "copied" it down with my own drawing. I was damn proud of this Walter White piece. The first person to see this was my little brother and he saw immediately what it was. He wanted me to draw his idol and told me to start selling art and at that point I realized I really, 100%, had something going on. 

If you look at my Instagram now (click) you'll see all my works, from all the water color pieces to what I draw now. You can almost see where I started taking my drawing skills seriously and that's when I really put more effort into my works. I was the "lost artist, I did different art, water color and doodle art but I've always been interested in scribbles because it's rather quick and don't require too much detail (which is good and bad), or it depends on your style, but I am quite impatient with everything in life and the same for art. I work in bursts of energy, anyway I'm drifting off... What I'm trying to say is that I discovered my hidden skill with scribbles. Scribbles is such a nice and easy way to make rather good shadowing and such to make things look more realistic. 

So as I kept drawing everything just naturally blended into my own style. I started doing scribbles that were "empty", not much shadowing and such and my later works are filled with it, filled with scribbles. 

See the difference between this "clown" and Walter White? I actually did this clown right out of my imagination while a lot of my other pieces have a picture I looked at. I guess I'm dull that way... I hope I'll be good enough to use my own ideas and put them into beautiful pieces on paper in the future. But for now I'm in the newbie stage and I think it's best for me to draw from pictures so that I can practice shadowing and such. 

You know, I've never felt so lost as I've been, don't get me wrong, I still am really lost in my mind but finding this hobby really fills my soul with purpose. Somehow I feel a little better today than I did, let's say three weeks ago. I tried, I reached out but I couldn't find anyone and I realized that I will never give a shit about anyone but myself. Art has filled about 50% of that emptiness I felt. I knew I had a creative skill and I am so grateful for being lost in the sense that I found this hobby. 

The crazy thing is that I started drawing seriously at around 2nd March. Yeah, two weeks now, I've done these pieces with only 2 weeks of practice.

Haha: Cheating husband double mutilated

"Cheating husband double mutilated
 
A 32-year-old man in China used his wife's phone to send flirty e-mails to his mistress.
Infidelity cost him the limb - twice.
The man's 21-year-old wife discovered the e-mails, grabbed a pair of scissors and rushed into their bedroom and cut off her husband's penis while he slept, reports the Central European News.
The 32-year-old was rushed to the hospital where family fortune was successfully sewn back. The wife did, however sneak into the hospital, cut off his penis again and threw it out the window.
The body part was never found."

Besides the really shitty written article on its own, I couldn't stop my giggly-gig. Bitch was crazy! Psycho! It's not like the first time was enough, she had to do a double kill and make sure the body part was never to be seen again. 

"The body part was never found": where the hell did it go then? Probably outside the window? Because who the hell would want a bloody ass peyniss they've found on the street? Maybe the wifey took it? What happened to her? Did she get arrested? Do people even get arrested? We don't know shit from this article. This text seemed to be written by a 13 year old!!!

I've seen several articles like this where a woman cut off her husband's dieck. But the pattern I've always seen is that it is ALWAYS happening in China! China really does the most effed up shit. If you ever see a brutal article where some body part is being removed, torture of an animal or whatever, it's probably the work of a Chinese. 

Purpose of Life

What's the purpose of life? 

That's a question we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives. This unanswered question has been a hot topic for us all for as long as we can remember. Many have religious inspired "answers", others barely think about it and others have other "answers" not based on religion or anything of that sort.

I have concluded an answer for myself. Which is a depressing conclusion. The purpose of not only just my life but for all humankind, in my eyes, is simply:

There is no purpose. 

What do you mean? If you think of the facts, the big picture of our lives, you will start to see a pattern. I am excluding a lot of details now but we simply are born, most of us follow what society expects of us: study, get a job, live and do whatever you want in between and then die. That's the plan for a lot of us, then there are exceptions and different ways of living but a lot comes down to how we are going to earn money.

The world is all about money, money, money, and if you don't have money then what do you do? You die. Yeah, you die, because in the end, you won't be able to support yourself. Well, you could also go hunting and such but what kind of life would that be? Pretty dull for my taste.

But what if you wanted to travel, see the world, eat tasty food and such? Just live life easily. You would need money and money comes from having to work. And then we are there again, work. Which is what we all strive for, because unless you're Kim Kardashian or some other bitch who earns tons of cash by flashing her coochie, you just gotta work.

But making an earning is really diffcult on its own. We, complex humans need to be punched in the face real hard, many, many times before we reach an eventual success. But for what reason? To appreciate the success? Isn't it nice to instead live happily most of the time in our success, and experience less hardships? Do you get what I mean? Probably not...

But in the end, all the struggles, all the bad times was for what purpose? Sure, it's nice being happy all the time, if that's your life, but life will never, NEVER let you be happy all the time. Never, so that doesn't exist. Why does this negativity exist? Why does this hapiness exist when we all in the end will just die and never ever exist ever again?

Even though Michael Jackson was huge for mankind, even though Elvis Presley was huge for us too, and all other big legends, nature will always win the battle. That end is called death. In the end we are all equal beings.

You know when you go to a huge concert, let's say to a Lady Gaga concert. It's a huge scene, lots of cool props and such, and you wait patiently for Gaga to come out. The scene is epic as hell and you expect Gaga to be something big to pop out, right? But in the end she is physically the same size as you are, as your mum, dad, aunt, friend. No other human is bigger than anyone else physically. If Gaga was the size of an elephant then that'd be something great on the scene, but she isn't. The same goes for every other legendary artist too. In the end we all die equally.

And that's the sad purpose of life. There is no purpose. We all have our journey but we will all end up dead, no where to be seen ever again.

People don't want to realize these facts that's why religion, having a soul and other stuff comes up to the surface, to comfort our minds, to keep the thought on a positive note. That maybe, just maybe in the end there will be a continuation or purpose.

But think about it, do we have facts pointing on a continuation after life? No, not at this current state of life.

I am very lost in my life right now, that's why I thought of this... My purpose in life. When you have no purpose, then you have nothing to fight for and when you have nothing to fight for, you have nothing and you'll settle for anything. And I don't wanna settle for anything. Sigh. Everything is just a blur for me right now.

You just exist and then you're gone.

I could die right here, right now because this is my answer for the purpose of life and I am not scared of death, I'm just scared of how much I'll suffer if I'm on my way to die or am gonna die. Don't wanna suffer too much, hehe. And if anyone has read this long ass text so far, I'm just letting you know, I'm not suicidal, I'm just not afraid to die.

Sad but true. Think about it. Every excuse or argument that you think will turn my argument around will end up at the same spot where we started: there is no purpose.

The Past

The main and only reason that I had when I started blogging was to document my life, a reason for me to look back in the past and see how much have changed.

Yeah... That's the thing, change. Today I played an album that has emotional connection to me. That album represented a period of my life, not just any period, but THAT period: high school. Here it is, in Swedish: http://soofsofia.bloggplatsen.se/sida-2/

I often think about my high school time. I think most Swedish people have a special place in their hearts for this period of time. It was revolutionary for us all, good or bad. For me it was... Both. But I mostly have very positive and happy moments when I think about it. Real love, real heart breaks, real parties, real drama, stuff like that. I was very, if not extremely active. Socially active. Everyday was a new adventure, a lot has to do with Kk that I hung out with after school, she would hang out with me and we'd go on different adventures and explored Stockholm on our own. Spontaneous hangouts. Then Diana also has a major role in my life, thank God she is still in my life, can't be thankful enough, she is my party buddy, the party queen, Queen D, haha. She is always up for a good time, for parties in any form. And then we have miss SaumaN, the grounded mum, hahaha! No but she is so wise, a real shoulder to lean on and talk about anything with. These people, these girls, made up most of my time in high school and we have gone through so much together.

And then there's the "extras"... Otto... Islam.. These bitches fucked me up in so many ways.

You change during this time, you find yourself along the way, or at least are on your way to find yourself. But one thing is for sure, you change. And you know that.

For me, where I stand... Looking back a half year ago, 6 months ago, I would be very secure about my life choices. It went okay, I was still interested in life and what it had to offer. But the months passed and here I stand.. 6 months later and I've turned 180. So much has happened inside my head and heart. I am more lost than I've ever been in my life. This is my kryptonite.  I've never failed in my life, it has always been straight forward, but now here I stand, fucking lost and shit and I have a huge mountain to climb, not just that, but I am also carrying fucking elephants on my shoulders. This is my biggest challenge ever, in my life. God gives his strongest soldiers his hardest challenges.. Yeah, some quote is going like that.

No but seriously...

Major Life Changes

I don't think I regret doing anything. Some major things seem hard and very regretful, but when I think about them they don't actually seem that horrible. It all depends on how you look at the situation. What is meant to be, will happen. 

I have a love-hate feeling toward my home city Stockholm. Love: because I was born and raised in Stockholm, that's where my home is, my roots, my life. On the other hand, why do I hate Stockholm? Because my home, my roots, my life is there. Love-hate.

I am 20 years old or 20.5 (remember how you used to add that 0.5 as a kid?), and I've spent 19 years of my life in Stockholm. The last two years, before I moved to another city, were so crazy to me. I usually think that my transition to 18 years of age symbolizes the huge door that I walked through. It was a magical day for me, too magical. It was a Friday and I already planned to go out clubbing, and that's what I did. It was hell a lot of fun, I also had my first hangover in the form of only having diarrhea the day after, and ever since then I've never had diarrhea again, despite my "clubbing career". Anyway, that party feeling was majorly fun and so I started going out ever.single.weekend. Literally. And that's how I also stumbled upon this thing that would make me traumatized.

It was still hell a lot of fun with the night life, life was playing with me, on the other hand shit was going down. My mental health was being broken down. This thing that broke me down goes hand in hand with the party evenings. It also goes hand in hand with the rest of my life at that time. That, now that was how the bad memories were formed.

All I see, the last two years of my high school life, in a way, traumatized me.  

All the memories, the places, the people, everything remind me of the life I used to live back then. Hell, even the train stations make me sentimental. I've been in every corner of Stockholm, I've been almost everywhere and any place I visit will remind me of my high school life.

Actually... The reason why I feel very sad about Stockholm and all it's places is because I have realized I will never experience all the amazing feelings and things I did back then. Seriously, those last years were the greatest I've had so far. And the best people I hung out with aren't in my life anymore. That is the saddest part, the best company in my life so far are gone...

So when I visit Stockholm I can only stand the place for a short time, I can't do more because it hurts too much. I even become sad writing about this.



And that is the reason I moved. I wanted to start all over again, I wanted to get out of there, erase the memories from my mind (but they will forever stay in my heart). And as I've moved to another city to be on my own I've realized one more thing, or, I've always had the interest since high school started but: I can't stand Sweden. I gotta move out of this beautiful country because I feel that Sweden is slowly but steady becoming a love-hate country of mine too. There's too much shit here. Shit: meaning too many memories that make me too emotional and I don't like that at all. I can't walk around all day being sad when I think of my life and what used to be.

I know that someday, I will move abroad. 

And here's the deal of this post: I sometimes ask myself if I did the right decision of moving back to this current city or would it be better if I had stayed in Uppsala when I got accepted to the university, because it's way more closer to home-Stockholm than where I am now. I am as far away from Stockholm as I could ever be. But my answer would be no: I do not regret this.

Even though times are hard and my mental health is truly being tested on, I still would prefer this than going back to Stockholm, or live close to that area. No regrets.

Stepping out of your comfort zone will truly make you grow as a person. In so many ways. So many, and you will learn tons of things about yourself. E.g. I learned that I will never be able to cook stuff for myself, I need someone to do it for me. I hate cooking and I don't do it often. :P

Be adventurous about life, go out there, experience things, don't regret anything because everything has a purpose, but you just gotta realize what that purpose is.

I've been through the shittiest shit, I am mildly depressed, but on the other hand, I still have a thirst for life and I have dreams I am working on.

Step out of that comfort zone.

Android In My Heart

Android is king!!

I like how this one is supposed to be like a CPU

Embrace Poop And Farts! Foops!

I don't know about you guys but I find poop and farts really funny. I always laugh a bit extra than other people around me when people do anything related to poops and farts, either by talking about it, mentioning it or doing it.

Let's use a word covering poop and farts together: Foops. (And I'm talking about poop and farts separately, not when you think you gotta fart and poop comes out.)

It just seems like people are too embarrassed to perform these natural needs or that it's too disgusting talking about them. All natural things are embarrassing, have you thought about it? Everything about our bodies are disgusting and emarrassing, even though we all carry this stuff in our bodies and we all perform the same stuff: pooping, farting, peeing, having 6, puking, eating snot (not erryone), etc.

I think we should embrace foops already in the early stages of a relationship with someone, either a friend or partner or anyone, even your dog! The earlier we embrace and mention foops the easier it is to cope with it when we actually have to foop in front of anyone. It won't be as emarrassing! Why? Because you've already joked about it a hundred times before, and once it happens, it's just really funny! "The seal has been broken!". Now you can naturally fart or say that you gotta take a dump without feeling embarrassed, ecstacy my baby, cause it's all really, damn, funny, by now. And less disgusting.

Now you can run around like a happy and free 5 year old with a poop hat and fart on people's faces and laugh your ass off from their disgusted face expressions.

And that's how you make things less embarrassing in the long run.

Poop is cute, poop is misunderstood, poop just wants to be free.

NEW INSTAGRAM

I totally suck at updating my blog. I say this all the time, but I never change. I mean... What can I do? I am extremely busy. Being an adult ain't sweet.

Anyway, I'm posting this to show that I'm alive and I have a new Instagram that I'm working on! I've finally decided to put some extra effort, thought and practice onto my creative side. For years I've been putting my creative side aside, but lately my creativity has been itching and knocking on my brain to produce some art. So here's my new IG dedicated to my handwork.

CLICK HERREEE TO ARRIVE TO ABANDONEDFREAK! 

< ---- This Instagram is also added on the side bar of my blog profile. <----

I still find my artwork to be somewhat... Private... This is a gate into something quite intimate to me. But I guess anyone who discover this place on their own can stay.

Android vs. Apple. Android In My Heart

1. Today was a good day for my Android usage. First off, I had updated my battery saving app (I use Easy Battery Saver) and the update totally sucked. Many customers complained and I was no exception. The update contained new unneccessary features that totally drained the battery faster than ever before. And so I gave my feedback and hated the world, until an idea popped up in my head.

Why don't I just download the old version externally?

BAYM!! I googled and apk file and there it was, the old version. I uninstalled the original app and downloaded the old version. BAM, my phone is now back to normal and my battery is saved.

2. SwiftKey is, in my opinion, the best keyboard out there on Google Play. I was just browsing the themes available for the app and I noticed the premier pack had its price crossed over and I started wondering what the actual price was (thought it was a sale). I didn't see anything because it said "FREE" right next to the price! And since SwiftKey's new themes are beautiful, I was of course thrilled! I downloaded the whole pack for free!! Thank you SwiftKey!!!! Daymn, these themes are beautiful!!! That was a nice moment, not even needing to update the whole app to get new themes, as you had to before. Good moment of shit.

And then we have this iPhone 6 coming out. I really believe that Apple went down since Jobs died. You guys aren't unique anymore. Apple keeps copying Android and you guys slowly, but steady are turning into Androids for every update. Just saying, just saying. I have an iPod 5 touch, I know what I'm talking about.

I even thought to myself... "The day iPhones are customizable like Androids, will be the day I'll buy an iPhone". Betrayal of Android. :( No, the only reason would be for Apple's camera. That's all, becuase the camera of the middle range Androids aren't that good. But then I just asked my heart, and I actually can never turn myself to Apple. I will stand by Android, especially Xperia. I love you guys. I'm a true Sony (Ericsson) customer.

And that's also the beauty of Android. You can solve anything with Android! If something effs up, you can simply google the problem and there will be something for you. Unhappy with an update of an app? There's probably an old version on Google. We love Google, and Google is running Android. See the power I'm talking about?

I might seem immature about this Android vs. Apple thing. "Why don't you just let people be?! Let them buy whatevah' dey waant!" Well, I am passionate about innovation (Android) and having full power of your device (customization. Fixin'-trixin') rather than worshipping a copy cat and being stuck with fixed usage (Apple).

I ain't hatin' on Apple users, because some of the best people in my life are real "Apples" (loyal Apple users), but just sayin'... I ain't hatin' on you guys. No judging. I'm just gonna do some green Android graffiti on your house. Just gonna reset your brain and teach you the Android life.

No, but in all seriousness. I'm just really passionate and proud about Android and it gets really annoying when people say all the new Apple features are new when they actually copied Android. That's probably on of the factors of how the war started.

(On the other hand... I do love Apple when it comes to their iPods, that's where I'm a true fan of them; but not the rest of their products...)

I Don't Want Any Children - And This Is Why

This will probably be the biggest post I've ever made in my whole life. I've had these thoughts for so many years and I feel like it's time to pour it out into a text.

As the title states, I don't want any children. No babies, no kiddies. No nothing. And I will probably never understand the rest of the world, why they want children. 

Sure, it's about transferring your genes, it's about creating the ultimate creature between you and your loved one. You are a human and the best way to feel love is to feel love from another human. So what better way than to create another lil' homo sapiens that is a mixture between YOU and the other person that you love the most on this earth, your partner? It is surely a beautiful creature when you have your own baby in your arms. And the beautiful bond that you will feel when it's in your stomach. The fact that you're growing another human in your body, you are growing life, a "clone" of yourself. The uncondidional love every parent will have for their child is unimaginable, it's probably the ultimate form of love. "I made this", is what both parents will proudly say. 

Is this what you all feel about babies and children? 

I remember, once upon a time, when I was younger (to be more specific: when I was under 10 years old and played with dolls) that I've never wanted a big family. I once wanted children, or should I say: a child. I only wanted one kid, that's the most that I could imagine having. But as I kept growing up, that thought disappeard, and it did very quickly. I've been having these thoughts for sooo long, for so many years, that I am anti-children.

I seriously want no children.

I've said this to everyone that I know and I've always had the same respons: "Oh, you will change. You will want it later.". I'm in my most fertile years of my life and every person that I've asked "Do you want children?" have all said yes, yes and yes. I haven't met a single person in my life that have said a straight and confident no, I've only met one person, that's me. Just me. 

I have seen the beauty and happiness of having a big family with unconditional love. I feel it everytime I travel to my relatives where I'm being showered with love from so many people. I've seen that beautiful love. But this still doesn't change my mind.

I mean, seriously, I think I've seen all the beautiful aspects of children, family life and all that jazz, that SHOULD HAVE persuaded me to have children, like everyone else. I haven't actually experienced the worse of children. I haven't experienced the late night cries of a baby, the hardships of seeing what a pregnant woman is going through. So what makes me want no children?

I have no idea.

Where is this feeling coming from? Why am I not like everyone else, like every woman? Most of you want children in the future, but why don't I? Am I not ready for one? Hell yeah, I'm obviously not ready, I don't think most 20 year olds are, but I don't think I ever will be ready. I don't see myself with a growing human in my tummy when I'm 25, 30, ever. 

Let's start from the beginning of life. Let me rant and give you my perspective: 

I don't like the thought of having a positive pregnancy test. That is the first life chaning moment of a woman. Should I keep the baby or not? For me, that would freak me the fuck out, that would feel like I received news that I have HIV, Ebola or whatever disease that can't be cured (fortunately, pregnancy can be "cured"). 

Then people decide to keep the baby. Making it grow in the tummy, they start feeling a bond with the baby, the life that is growing in there. You change your whole life at this point! You leave drugs out of your life, you start eating healthier, you dedicate your life to this life inside of you! You start buying things to this baby: clothes, toys, food, bed, all that stuff.

For me, I would feel like an alien is growing inside of me. That I am having a parasite that I am feeding and am supposed to love. Do you know how scared I am of this? I feel like hyperventilating as I'm writing this. As mentioned, your body goes through a whole change. I mean... You change. Do you get it? Your body is changing. It's like you have a disease. A disease that will last for nine months and you can just hope for as little complications as possible when you've popped that thing out after nine months. You will still have that extra weigh, probably gathered tons of stretch marks and all that stuff. You know what I mean. Marks from the pregnancy, scars from the disease. Don't forget the nine month torture of puking, mood changes, cramps, cravings and all that. Being on your period for nine months straight, but x10 worse.

Then it's time for labor. Wow, the most horrifying moment. I can't even imagine the pain. People say it hurts like hell. I'm sure it really does. I mean, this stuff scares me, it's like surgery without numbing your body. Medieval torture, lulz. I know we have C-section as an option too, but I'm talking about the other thing people decide to go through. 

Time to care and raise the child. Do I have to write this part? I'll make it as short as possible. You stop working and it's a full time job to care for this baby. The late night cries, the insanity you go through because of this baby. The life changing, never ending process of raising a child! I have so many thoughts about this part that I can't even write this down orderly. 

It is really annoying to raise a child! The poop, the snot, the tears, the screams. All you can do is to care unconditionally. you can't speak to a baby, it has no purpose but to get attention because it wants food and love. Or to change the diapers. 

As it grows up, things will change again. First of all, throughout your whole life with your child(ren), you will have to pay for everything! I mean a lot of things, from fertilization state till you're dead. That's the first thing: you have to put money into the kiddos. Clothes, toys, medicine, entertainment, etc.

Theeeen, when it's integrating with society, it'll start talking about other people, will start comparing stuff with other people. I mean, I'm talking about everything: clothes, toys, appearance, and more. 

I'm having a head ache at this point. 

Then you have to teach it about morals, views, opinions, thoughts, feelings and maaaaaan, it's a lot. I am already confused by the complexity of human kind, how the hell will I teach a child all of this. (let them live life for themselves and support and help them as they go, I know.) 

You also have pressure for them to succeed. You don't want your child to be a loser, do you? To work at McDonalds. You want your kid to have money, succeed, be happy and whatnot. That puts pressure on you as a parent. You will feel like a failure if your child goes down. 

Okay, at this point I am totally having a head ache, I can't think any further, but I have so much more to say. I might continue another time. 

All in all, I am, obviously for abortion. I wish I was a man, don't have to go through all these thoughts. Weird ending. Whatever. 

HOWEVER, I do wanna replace children with animals, specifically dogs! I am totally in love with dogs as women are to babies.

There will be a part II

Cold hearted bitch

The people that are the coldest are the ones that once cared too much. You get hurt too much and heal. And then the same spot ripps up and then heals again, and so it goes, over and over again. At one point it'll become too hard to rip itself up open again. That's the point when you take no more bullshit and you become this cold, hard bitch. You can't take it anymore more, and as natural as it gets, you just don't allow yourself to get hurt again. You stop giving any fucks. 

I've been on too many adventures in such a short time. I've been on too many boats and most of them have sunken and I've just been swimming, by myself, back to the shore. But you know what? Right now I am on a boat, a new adventure. But there is a fire on this boat and I will need to evacuate this shit soon before I die. I will have to jump soon, but I'll try to fight the fire, but if too much damage is done, I'll have to jump. I'm trying my best but I don't think there's any hope to survive on it. 

Worse part: I am in the middle of nowhere and I see no shore in sight. I will be a lost soul, and do I care enough about myself to try to swim to that shore? Or will I decide to keep being lost out in the sea, struggle to stay above the surface of the water, or will I give up and sink to the bottom and stay there for a while? I am lost, and will be until I'll reach that point where I find the light.

No words, the pic says it all

Nocturnal Thoughts

Dear me,

This week has had two nostalgia trips. I've read old letters, conversations and such of my ex and the beginning with my current honey. I no longer have any emotional attachements to these oldies but stuff were way more beautiful than I remember. I mean the moments, letters... Chats. Just now, I was going through about twenty pages of my old blog, from the beginning and onward (my old blog has 50+ pages) and it all started in the beginning of my "high school" time. Obviously I wrote a lot about me and my ex but I noticed one more thing. I blogged a lot! It was almost everyday, three days of no posting was like "oh I'm sorry for being away so much" . Haha, look at me now, I blog like once a week. Nah, it was good to look back, reminding myself of what a good blogger I used to be and I should start that habit again. I literally posed about every single little bullshit that happened in life and those little moments are actually the most fun part. My life is obviously not as eventful as it used to be back in the days, but I can still post stuff that I find interesting.

I've just listened to a song that really brings me back to the days: Darin-Laura. Now this song...! I went to mellanstadiet when this song was out. A free time.

I sometimes post stuff talking about how much have changed over time. The last two years have really been crazy for me! SO much has happened! I went single, left with the hugest heartbreak. The process of healing was a beautiful period because of my friends and the support I received from them. Three months later I turned 18 and dayyymnnnn, the most crazy time of my life was about to begin! My first official clubbing night was a friday on my birthday, it was the perfect timing. Since then I was going out EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND partying. Something new always happened every weekend. That was not it. Just about two weeks after my 18th birthday I met my current boyfriend. And with him would my even-bigger-adventure-than-before begin! As time went on I changed into a different person very quickly. Shit went cray during my year of 18. And then I turned 19 and I started to settle down, taking a pause from all the partying. It kind of got really boring. It started with Khil-Khil dropping off, in the end I felt the same feeling too. Only Diana stayed in that night life. Anyway, now I'd love to party more frequently but I'm in a difficult situation for that to happen. 

Stuff's really weird. I feel really weird right now, 02.28 AM, writing this post. I'm such a changed person. Should I strive to become something I was before...? Should I stay where I am? 

Anyway, I've never expressed this on my blog, but I really, really appreciate Malin! Without her I wouldn't be as sensible as I am right now. I'm living alone in a city I've never visited before. Imma freaking live here for years and it actually gets to you sometimes when you're alone, that... Or, it's actually striking me now, that this lonliness is chewing on your mind. I need a plant in my room. Something living. I've had spiders, but they're just guests. Back on track: Malin is a huge support for me, in every aspect of life. Snapchat is our ground. We chat about every minute of our lives. "Gotta pee, brb." "I don't wanna studyy!", etc. Hearing from her that often makes me feel like she's here with me. :) A precious friend I'll never let go of. 
Then of course we have my boyfriend who also supports me, but not quite the same way. :P He's there as much as I want to and we can talk about everything but he's an extremely independent pucker and that results in not having the same relationship as with Malin. 

Oh well, this is the first time in a long time that I'll be staying at home for at least three weeks without traveling somewhere (Sthlm or West) because of effing biochemistry. I hope I'll come out sane. 

Yours forever
Me

Unedited face and picture! (Because I'm lazy)