I have a love-hate feeling toward my home city Stockholm. Love: because I was born and raised in Stockholm, that's where my home is, my roots, my life. On the other hand, why do I hate Stockholm? Because my home, my roots, my life is there. Love-hate.
I am 20 years old or 20.5 (remember how you used to add that 0.5 as a kid?), and I've spent 19 years of my life in Stockholm. The last two years, before I moved to another city, were so crazy to me. I usually think that my transition to 18 years of age symbolizes the huge door that I walked through. It was a magical day for me, too magical. It was a Friday and I already planned to go out clubbing, and that's what I did. It was hell a lot of fun, I also had my first hangover in the form of only having diarrhea the day after, and ever since then I've never had diarrhea again, despite my "clubbing career". Anyway, that party feeling was majorly fun and so I started going out ever.single.weekend. Literally. And that's how I also stumbled upon this thing that would make me traumatized.
It was still hell a lot of fun with the night life, life was playing with me, on the other hand shit was going down. My mental health was being broken down. This thing that broke me down goes hand in hand with the party evenings. It also goes hand in hand with the rest of my life at that time. That, now that was how the bad memories were formed.
All I see, the last two years of my high school life, in a way, traumatized me.
All the memories, the places, the people, everything remind me of the life I used to live back then. Hell, even the train stations make me sentimental. I've been in every corner of Stockholm, I've been almost everywhere and any place I visit will remind me of my high school life.
Actually... The reason why I feel very sad about Stockholm and all it's places is because I have realized I will never experience all the amazing feelings and things I did back then. Seriously, those last years were the greatest I've had so far. And the best people I hung out with aren't in my life anymore. That is the saddest part, the best company in my life so far are gone...
So when I visit Stockholm I can only stand the place for a short time, I can't do more because it hurts too much. I even become sad writing about this.
And that is the reason I moved. I wanted to start all over again, I wanted to get out of there, erase the memories from my mind (but they will forever stay in my heart). And as I've moved to another city to be on my own I've realized one more thing, or, I've always had the interest since high school started but: I can't stand Sweden. I gotta move out of this beautiful country because I feel that Sweden is slowly but steady becoming a love-hate country of mine too. There's too much shit here. Shit: meaning too many memories that make me too emotional and I don't like that at all. I can't walk around all day being sad when I think of my life and what used to be.
I know that someday, I will move abroad.
And here's the deal of this post: I sometimes ask myself if I did the right decision of moving back to this current city or would it be better if I had stayed in Uppsala when I got accepted to the university, because it's way more closer to home-Stockholm than where I am now. I am as far away from Stockholm as I could ever be. But my answer would be no: I do not regret this.
Even though times are hard and my mental health is truly being tested on, I still would prefer this than going back to Stockholm, or live close to that area. No regrets.
Stepping out of your comfort zone will truly make you grow as a person. In so many ways. So many, and you will learn tons of things about yourself. E.g. I learned that I will never be able to cook stuff for myself, I need someone to do it for me. I hate cooking and I don't do it often. :P
Be adventurous about life, go out there, experience things, don't regret anything because everything has a purpose, but you just gotta realize what that purpose is.
I've been through the shittiest shit, I am mildly depressed, but on the other hand, I still have a thirst for life and I have dreams I am working on.
Step out of that comfort zone.
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